My heart was touched very deeply when I read the comment you left on "The Wonder of It All". I am "posting it" so others will read what you said, and understand why I am writing a letter on my blog. Your comment follows:
"I can sure relate to your post--however i am "there" right now...i can remember starting to pack for special meetings waaaaay in advance because of the excitment---BUT sometimes the hurt is so deep and wounds so large --and life has so many unfair curves till i ask myself what is the use--to just be hurt again and more dreams crushed. you know the ministry is NOT an easy path sometimes and ministers can be the most cruel to others--if your not in the circle of circles then your nobody!! When you are walked on over and over by those who only use you to get their gain --makes you want to ask why do I want to be involved in that."
Let me talk to you from my heart. I am going to say to you just what I would say if I were talking to one of my adult children, a family member, friend, or someone in our church. :) I know that covers just about everyone! I do not pretend to have all the answers, but I want to help you. I know what I say could be taken wrong, but I will do my best to "say it right".
I remember a time in my life that one of my friends treated me in a way that was very hurtful. I was telling my Mother about it, and she looked at me and said, "It doesn't matter what THEY did to you. You're not any better than they are, if you let your attitude get bad! YOU have to be bigger than that!!!" I thought, "Whoa! I better get my attitude RIGHT!" If my Mother was telling me "I was just as wrong as the person who hurt me if I got a bad attitude about it", then I knew I was wrong, and better "get right"! It didn't feel very good when she told me that, but it has stayed with me all of my life. Anytime I have felt like retaliating because "I had been done wrong", I hear what Mother said to me. I'm so glad she told me the right way to react when I am hurt from someone else's actions. It hasn't always been easy to swallow and "take it", but it's been easier knowing I HAD to keep my spirit and attitude right, so I could be SAVED!
Daddy use to say, "Linda, whatever you do, don't ever let a root of bitterness take root in your heart. If you do you will regret it. Once it starts growing you can hardly get it to stop!" I watched Daddy when he had been done wrong, and he had every right to retaliate, but he didn't. The last time I talked to him before he died he said to me and my sisters, "Girls, when I'm gone, if anyone wants to know how I was doing, tell them that ALL was well." I stood there as I listened to him talk and realized I was listening to a man who had kept his spirit cleansed from bitterness!
I do not know "who" you are, but I do know you are a "hurting"individual. You probably "know" all the answers to your situation, yet, when you're hurting it's hard to see through the fog that has surrounded your mind. God does not want you to keep these hurts in your heart and mind, BUT you must be WILLING to release them and let them GO! You are making a CHOICE everyday. You choose to "hold on" or "let go" of the hurts that plague your life. People are going to disappoint you. That is inevitable!! It doesn't matter "who" they are. There is only ONE who is perfect and He was "taken away" to go prepare us a place"! This brings to mind the other thing I was taught. "Keep your eyes on JESUS!" When we get our eyes on "people" they will disappoint us! Look to JESUS! I know it sounds easier than it is at times, but we CHOOSE what we want to do with our heart!
Why do people want to be in the "circle of circles"? Who determines who the "circle of circles" is? Does it really matter? If you "belong" to this "circle" is it going to make your life that much better? I determined a long time ago that I was going to live life, be friends with anyone that will be my friend, and not worry about those who seem to be in "the circle". I find much happiness and contentment in "being me" and "loving everyone". We all have friends who we seem to click with, so find friends you can enjoy. Make new friends! Sometimes you will be disappointed if you get inside "the circle". It's not near as glamorous and it seems from the "outside looking in".
You mentioned that people "used you, then walked all over you". I don't really know how to answer this without sounding harsh. But again, YOU have to be the one to stop being used! It's a choice YOU must make! Don't hang around people that take advantage of you. If you are taken advantage of, then cut all ties! A true "friend" would never do anything to hurt you, or "use you for their advantage", or "walk all over you".
Mom Elms was an incredible lady! She loved God with all her heart. Her pastor used her at times to counsel women of the church, because she was full of wisdom. Oh how I miss her! One day while driving she was hit by a motorcycle policeman, and she suffered a broken ankle. We watched as she suffered with the "wound" that was made when her ankle bone came through her skin. Over a period of many months the doctor would check this sore on Mom's ankle, and it got larger and larger! It was not a pretty sight. In fact, it was so bad that it would almost nauseate me. (I would never make a good nurse.) Month after month went by and the sore did not heal. To make a long story short, the doctor eventually had to amputate Mom's leg! In someone who is healthy, the sore would have healed and everything would have been fine, but Mom had diabetes and because of this terrible "disease" her body would not heal itself!
Bitterness is a disease and if it is not taken out of the heart it will eventually cause you to "amputate yourself" from the body of Christ! I know you want to do what's right. I know you've been hurt. I know all of the terrible feelings that can come up and blind you from what you "know" to do. But, whatever wrong has been done to you, it's not worth the "sore" that is staying open in your heart. The thing about holding onto this "hurt" is that it will destroy you and those closest to you! This "thing" will make the rest of your life miserable if you do not have your heart mended by the Heart Mender! And remember....life isn't always FAIR!
In church Sunday night I heard a song I had not heard in many years. It touched my heart once again and reminded me "I have a long way to go to be like the Lord". The words that really stood out to me were these:
I don't remember trudging up a rugged hill with a cross upon my back.
I don't recall a crown of thorns placed upon my brow, now that I look back.
I've never been spit upon, ridiculed, wounded in my side.
Life's no bed of roses, but still I am alive.
I have a long way to go, just to be like the Lord.
Forgiveness was taught to us by Jesus Christ. If HE could forgive after those He loved mocked Him, spit on Him, slapped Him, pierced His side, placed a crown of thorns on His head, and whipped Him tearing His flesh until he was "unrecognizable", then you can forgive those who have done you wrong. Please take it to Him in prayer. YOU do what's right and God will take care of the rest.
I hope I have said something that will help you through this terrible time in your life. I feel so helpless in my feeble words. There are so many things that could be said, and so many people who could do a much better job at "helping you", but I know it's not me or anyone else who can heal your heart. I simply ask you to "take it to Jesus" and you and Him work it out! I have prayed for you today, and will continue to pray that you will find peace and rest in knowing you have done what's right. I leave you with a song that is my heartbeat.
For above all else......I MUST be saved!
For above all else......I MUST be saved!
Whatever You have to do to me,
Don't let me be lost for eternity!
For above all else......I MUST be saved!
Please let me know how you are doing. Someday, in not too distant future, I plan on meeting you on the other side. You can look for me "in front of the throne". Blessings to you as you make your journey back to "the wonder of it all".
Sincerely.....Your "blogger" friend!